What Did I Just Say...

I need more willpower!! I've eaten fast food twice more since Thursday's entry. Sigh. But I didn't binge as much. But I'm still feeling extremely tired. I could crawl into bed and stay there for a day. But I can't. Too much work. Always too much work. Sometimes I wish it would all go away, the same way I wish my weight would just magically disappear. But, alas, it never happens. I have to lose about 2-3 pounds to reach my goal BMI by Tuesday. Another big sigh. I can't do this on my own. I need the help from my Lord!! I also need to take my mind off of my self. Think I'll write a little and listen to music...or simply sleep!!

Wow...I Never Even Realized...

I needed the past two days to happen to teach me a lesson. A big lesson. Sunday-Tuesday, I ate healthy and thought I wasn't really enjoying it at all. I felt hungry, unsatisfied, etc.

Well, I gave into my favorite food temptation last night, Chinese, after having already snagged some Taco Bell during the day.  That's what made me so angry last night when I posted that poem. I was mad at myself for giving in so quickly.

However, I'm kind of glad I did. Because, I then today ate fast food 3 more times!! And MAN...I suddenly realize exactly what I'm doing to myself when I eat fast food. To put it simply...I'm SICK! You're probably just thinking I ate too much, but the truth is, this is how I used to eat anyways, so it's nothing new. But after filling my body with more healthy things for 3 days, this felt like a total binge and now my stomach hurts, I have no energy...I just want to collapse! It's got me wondering if this is how it's always been, and I just didn't realize it because my body was so immune to the effects of too many calories. 

I'm thinking it is...and if that's the case, UGH! I hate this. I'm exhausted and sick to my stomach and that's not good because I have school work to finish. And here I was having energy to even read my history book and stay interested!! That's a first for a long time.

I totally don't like this feeling at all. I think I'm sticking with a fruit salad for lunch tomorrow because, seriously, if you put anything greasy in front of me...oh no...just the thought makes me want to hurl!!

For Every Up There's A Down

Not everyday is a good day when it comes to this journey. No matter how much I want it to meet success every single day, it just doesn't happen. In fact, some days are just plain ugly. Today was an ugly day for me. And in the despair I felt, I wrote this poem:

"I can't do this," she cries, but nobody hears.
Sick of their lies she covers her ears.

If you just do this, or you just do that,
You'll lose the weight in no time flat.

But she doesn't believe them. She's lost in this place.
Too many fears etched on her face.

She just wants it gone. She's losing her mind.
It's a demon, a disease; no peace can she find.

She cries and she prays. The tears have gone dry.
How many more times can she say "Dear God, why?"

Obesity eats away as it continues to enlarge.
It's more than just gluttony, the food is in charge.

Can you hear her screaming? Why can't anyone tell?
Why can't you see her strength growing frail?

She's run out of songs. She's run out of words.
She's run out of tunes before even being heard.

She blames it on this, her private demise. 
Baffled and trapped in some dark compromise.

She fears if she's not found, she'll lose it for good.
She hates. She loathes. She despises. Food.

Finding Inspiration on a Historic Day

I want to be completely honest. I didn't vote for President Obama. I don't feel bad that I didn't vote for President Obama. No matter what my friends or relatives who did vote for him may think of me, I voted for that other guy. 

However, that doesn't make him any less my president now that he is in office. No more so than any president who's came before him that people didn't vote for. That's the beauty of America.

And while each president is different, and they may talk big or have some ideology, the fact is, they are still human. I don't think any president is worth my worship. They are NOT God. I know God knew from before a multiracial boy by the name of Barack Obama was born into this world that he would someday be the 44th president of this country. It was a destiny God placed upon his life. It's what he was fashioned and created to do.

And although based on his politics, I did not vote for him, I pray for him and his family and hope that he represents this nation, and hopefully, if God willing, challenges his own party and goes against the expected norm and does what God would have him do...and I mean those things which are in the Bible, not just the Constitution. Those things which our forefathers would have done because they believed in a separation of church and state where it was the state that didn't interfere with church matters and not the other way around!

I pray that the man who placed his hand on the Bible today realizes that it is his duty now as one who professes to be a Christian to bring this nation to where God wants it and not to where any political party wants it. I believe in one nation under God. Enough with legalism. It's getting us nowhere. It didn't impress Jesus when the Pharisees quoted scriptures from their head and not their heart. What we need is an outpouring of the Holy Spirit that will show us no "pre-set rule" of doing something is going to change this nation. We have attempted to banish God but God is can not be banished. His will is going to be done one way or another. It's just whether or not our eyes will be opened to see it and our hearts open to recieve it. So, I pray that President Obama will be a leader who, through God's divine guidance, gives us a change greater than he could have envisioned...a change greater than any of us could ever have expected.

Although I didn't vote for him, this man is my president. And I already have a great hope for the future. Now that the big speeches are done and the grueling campaign is over, I can see something in him that those who voted for him might not have. I see a devoted husband and loving father. These are two traits alone that are admirable and inspiring in a world where family is being degredated more and more. I see a man that is not just up there because he is riding on the fact that he's the first African-American president. While this is true, and commendable, no man's color, whatever it is, can replace character and ability. These are two of many qualities he has.

So, while at the end of the day, I may not agree with any of his politics really and, while at the end of the day, I believe McCain could have been just as great of a president for this nation in this hour, President Obama is my president. He's overcome many obstacles in his life, from not knowing his father to losing his mother, and recently his grandmother. He's just one more proof that America is the land of opportunity. He's one more proof that no one has any excuse to not take the opportunity of freedom and equality granted to us to be the greatness we all have the potential to be!

I know I for one am done being mediocre. No more lukewarm in any aspect of my life. God has designed me for a greatness the same way He designed our new President and the presidents before him. It is up to us to make the choice of what to do with the flame He puts there. And I'm making the choice to burn it up, baby!

My Grandfather's Legacy

While everyone else is celebrating the memory of a great man of faith and determination, Martin Luther King, Jr., I am celebrating the memory of someone a little closer to my heart. My grandfather, James. 

He was a stable rock in my young life, as I spent a great deal of time at my grandparents' house growing up. And I get a lot of traits from him, besides being a namesake in a sense. He was obsessive with movies and television shows, as am I. He would watch baseball while everyone else complained, as do I. He had a temper...as do I. There are many things we were alike on. Things I never truly noticed until after the fact, as is usually the sad case for everyone whose lost a loved one.

He was in many ways a mystery. And yet, he was grandpa, and no matter how scary he could come across (He was one of those bear of a grandpas. You want to hug him but are afraid he might devour you with those same soft and cuddly looking paws!!), he was ours and he let us get away with most things. 

However, it's a legend in my family, that I'm the only one of his four grandchildren to make him angry or yell. Why? Because apparently I was young and stubborn and a match to be reckoned with for the old school man who believed the man is the head of the household and the final authority (which, I also believe from a spiritual point of view, but I didn't get that when I was younger). 

I sometimes wonder if he ever understood me completely. But I could probably say the same for him about my sister and two cousins as well. Whether he did or didn't, the legand continues. And although being reminded of making my grandpa angry upsets me sometimes, because I already feel like a family blacksheep on that side of the family, it doesn't matter. All I know is, I loved my grandpa. He was there for me. He made me laugh. He tried to share his vast knowledge with me. And until his final days he was strong. And for that, I am always grateful he was mine. 

About the last 6-7 years of his life, he was confined to the house and eventually put on oxygen as his legs swelled and his lungs slowly gave out. DON'T EVER tell me smoking doesn't cause health problems!! It was a slow death, but through it all, he stayed strong and loving and remained jolly. Maybe it was pride. But I don't think so. He was just full of life despite knowing his time was coming to an end. This strength in the face of such pain is a legacy that will live with me. 

Because of him, I know what determination and perseverence is. Because of him, I know I can do anything and should live my life while I have it to live. Because of him, I can also find in me the trait that will help me in this journey that I'm on. He continued living his life despite his circumstances and health problems. So I'm going to live mine, and get rid of my health problems while I am still young. I want my weight loss to forever be a legacy within his legacy. 

Introduction

I am merely the victim of a desperate generation. If you look all around at those of my generation and the generation after, you will see one common thread. Searching. We are all searching for something. And because we are all searching, we are all addicted. The addictions may vary, but everyone has something. For many it has become an unsatiable sex life even at a young age. For others it has become the allure of drugs or alcohol. Some are cutting. Some are chasing fame and fortune, obsessed with Hollywood and all things fabulous. Some need money and will do anything to get it. Some are addicted to a poor lifestyle, living off of welfare or always caught up in some kind of drama. It's all the same. Addiction is addiction. We FEED on it. It is our lifesource because nothing we can find is better. Then there's those of us who have become addicted to a lethargic lifestyle.

Yes...I mean those of us who are fat. Or should I say obese to be polite? We are the ones who didn't satisfy ourselves with constant he say, she say drama growing up. Instead, we were more content to turn on the television or computer and eat as we did our thing. That's where I am. And while I am grateful I fell into this addiction and not any of the others mentioned, it is still an emptiness all its own. Yo-yo dieting. Judgmental stares, endless fat jokes. Let's face it...fat people can be looked down on my many like they have some sort of contagious disease that warrants them to be treated differently!

I should know. I've been considered obese all my life. And now, as a twenty-something college student, I'm DONE. I don't care what people think of my weight. I CARE about my health and happiness. Being fat sucks and it's time to stop living desperately. I am a born again Christian, and I have found hope in Jesus Christ. I don't buy the lie that God doesn't exist. I have not let humanism grasp its ugly claws into me despite having a public education and despite the fact that it seems mass media is trying its hardest to exile Christianity. No. I believe, and I know better that if people would stop trying so hard to fit into the brand of non-thinking robots that a non-believing society has formed, they would see that the thing they are searching for is HIM.

And yet, here I am. Just as desperate. Just as addicted to something. Why? Because, I am human. I may believe in Jesus and God, but I fall short. Thankfully, my addiction won't keep me from the kingdom of heaven. Still, it's an addiction, and I want freedom. Therefore, I've decided, the weight will come off. So, here is where I will chronicle my journey. It will contain my thoughts on losing weight from a Christian's point of view, from a young Christian's point of view. Along the way, I hope to learn more about myself as well.

This is my belle aurore: my beautiful dawn.